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Drebin: "Nice Beaver!"
Jane: "Why thank you... I just had it stuffed."
Drebin: "Here.. let me help you with that."

Jane: "I've heard police work is dangerous."
Drebin: "It is. That's why I carry a big gun."
Jane: "Aren't you afraid it might go off accidentally?"
Drebin: "I used to have that problem."
Jane: "What did you do about it?"
Drebin: "I just think about baseball."

Drebin: "It's true what they say. Cops and women don't mix. It's like eating a spoonful of Drano: Sure, it'll clean you out, but it'll leave you hollow inside."

Drebin: "It's the same old story. Boy finds girl, boy loses girl, girl finds boy, boy forgets girl, boy remembers girl, girls dies in a tragic blimp accident over the Orange Bowl on New Year's Day."
Jane: "Goodyear?"
Drebin: "No...the worst.."

Drebin: "Nordburg... it's me, Frank. Now who did this to you?"
Nordburg: "(groaning) I...Love You...."
Drebin: "I love you too, Nordburg. Who were they?"
Nordburg: "Ship... boat..."
Drebin: "That's right, Nordburg, a boat. Now, when you're better we'll go sailing together, on a boat. We'll take a cruise just like last year."
Nordburg: "drugs...."
Drebin: "Hey Nurse! Give this man some drugs, quick.. can't you see he's in pain? Give him a shot, quickly!"
Nordburg: "no... heroin...heroin, Frank..."
Drebin: "Nordburg... that's a pretty tall order. You're gonna have to give me a couple a days on that one."

Ed: "That's no way for a man to die."
Drebin: "No.. you're right, Ed. A parachute not opening... that's a way to die. Getting caught in the gears of a combine...having your nuts bit off by a Laplander, that's the way I wanna go."
Wilma: "(cries) Oh... Frank. This is terrible."
Ed: "Don't you worry Wilma. Your husband is going to be alright. Don't you worry about anything. Just think positive. Never let a doubt enter your mind."
Drebin: "He's right, Wilma. But I wouldn't wait until the last minute to fill out those organ donor cards."
Wilma: "(crys again)"
Ed: "What I'm trying to say is that Wilma, as soon as Nordburg is better, he's welcome back at Police Squad."
Drebin: "Unless he's a drooling vegetable. But I think that's only common sense..."

: "From the show's opening: "Police Squad! In Color."

: "(Fom Police Squad!)"
Drebin: "We think we know how he did it."
Sally Decker: "Oh, Howie couldn't have done it. He hasn't been in for weeks."
Drebin: "well...."